Marooned. Glorious thought!

18 Jun

Foreword:

Last September, our family made the decision to remain in Lancaster, rather than to move to Thailand. It hurt, it was hard. I wondered what God was up to. I wondered if anything good had come out of the whole process. I journaled a lot during that time. Painful, honest feelings. “God is faithful,’ I would write. ‘Even though I feel I cannot see it.’
Now, looking back, I see how God has indeed been Faithful.He can be nothing else.Here is a small taste of my journey.An entry from last Fall.An entry from last week.

May God Alone be Glorified though my Life.

September 2010.  Chiang Mai, Thailand. Horizon Village Resort. 

Eli.

Part of me feels Gypped. Part of me feels used. I feel as if I have been nothing more that a toy, batted at by a cat’s paw. This whole year. September to September. All for nothing?How is it that I feel so strongly that we should move here if others feel led another way.
My Heart knows that this period of waiting and pain was not ‘to no avail’, But my body screams that this has all been some sick joke. That You, a Sovereign God, would instill within me, intense desires and dreams, only to dash them among the jagged rocks of the shore? Of course.
Reality tells me of the whole ocean of peoples shattered dreams. I am not the only shipwrecked sailor.

Reality tells me that I am one among many. But here I am. With the feeling of being marooned.

Now that the decision has been made to stay in America, I feel empty. Almost purposeless.
I suppose most of me knew by looking at the signs that is would come to this. Dark clouds and lighting flashes can only mean one thing. Can it not?
Yet, somehow, I think I supposed that if I could somehow stay below deck and shield my eyes from the oncoming darkness, that perhaps I could thwart this storm of ‘ my future in America.’
I think that perhaps, in my naiveness, I thought myself a more apt and noble captain of this crew and ship destination.
I can almost see myself pushing You away from the wheel.
“Oh no, no Captain. Go swab the deck. I know what destination I need better than you…”
But do I really?
No! Life in America is where I belong if Life in America is where my Captain is leading me.

Who am I to think that I am worthy of anything more that to swab the deck?

But somehow, I made myself captain, believing that You were good, too good to let us sink. That You would never let your crew suffer the dread of the high seas.
But here I am.
Marooned on this desert island of dreams that haunt me. Buried dreams that lie deep within the sand of this island’s shore. These dreams have no treasure map. To point me to them. No clue of where they lie, Or if the tides will ever resurface them. They have been buried.
I have no assurance of Rescue.
I have no claims of fortune.
No promise for tomorrow.
I have only YOU.
Marooned. With Jesus my Captain! What a wonderful thought!

-Claudia Barkman- A deckhand once more

June 2011. Phnom Penh, Cambodia.  University of the Nations. 

Eli.

Just nine months ago I sat one country over, journaling of how I felt marooned. My dreams of life in Asia crushed against the ‘Rocks of Reality.’  I was in the school of ‘Learning to Trust.’ Of that I am certain.
That entry from last Fall is my ‘Jegar-sahudutha,’ t is my ‘Witness Heap’ to the faithfulness of God (Genesis 31).Now. Today. As the Cambodian sun rises behind me, I cannot help but praise the God who brought us back.
AND YET. Is God still faithful if I would be in Lancaster, serving with Honey Brook Youth Center, rather than in Phnom Penh, serving with Children at Risk?
Ahh, yes! God is God whether ‘my’ dreams are fulfilled or not.Why He allowed us to come back for these few months, I do not know. And why He awakens other dreams within me, and slowly tears away others, I cannot say. Only that, Jegar-sahudutha. I want to be a witness to the Faithfulness of God Almighty.

As Faithful as He is to me, may I strive to be the same to Him.

-Claudia Barkman- still a deckhand

Side note:

I’m still marooned. With Jesus my Captain. I try to keep it that way. I learn the most at a place of surrender. Sometimes I feel like I never learn how to fully live in a place of surrender. But God is teaching me. Sure is.
A good friend said something  during a conversation recently that has been in my mind ever since: “I used to Surrender some things. Now I live in Surrender…” Ah, but may it be true of me.  

It’s a wonderful and exciting adventure!

Our First Sister Picture. After walking miles and miles to the Post Office.

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5 Responses to “Marooned. Glorious thought!”

  1. Chelsea Anne June 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

    Marooned with Jesus. That is a glorious thought! 🙂 Thank you, thank you for sharing!! Much love.

  2. Christy June 18, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    I so want to sit down with you guys in a coffee shop, sipping our drinks, eating our cheesecakes :), talking, with comfortable silences, adorable kids to stare at, and then leaving, and getting our parking ticket.
    And now Cherie’s gone too.
    But, maybe God will use this trip to show you Himself in ways that you never thought possible.
    Take lots of pictures, and send them to us.
    No, come HERE and show us.
    After you get back.
    I love you guys SO much!

  3. Dani June 18, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

    yay for sharing journal entries……

    why is it always hard to trust? or will i get good at it someday?

  4. Rebecca Rose June 20, 2011 at 2:01 am #

    Beautiful.

    I love it.

  5. clarita June 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    What wonderful word pictures to bring it to life… I can identify so much with all of this. I love the quote on the end…. “I used to surrender some things. Now I live in surrender…”

    Much much love from across the world! xoxo!

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